Some specially-selected, hand-picked howlers from the interwebs. The ones that keep reappearing and smacking me on the virtual nose. Making me want to go forth and do some throttling. Or at least some revving, in the form of growly sub-vocalizings.
“chemical” as in “no chemicals, please, we’re ****s”
If there is a God, she ought to descend from on high and smite everyone who thinks that chemicals are evil and to be avoided like the plague they think they are. Or, better: transmogrify such fools into the chemical soup they essentially, fundamentally are; letting their true nature and inner beauty shine through, fully revealed.
Ah, that beauty: the need for hyphens in compound adjectives. Resulting, here, in bonus extra gratuitous sadism.
See also: “cruelty, free” and other misuses (or omissions) of the comma.
“I’m feeling really aggravated”
Well, that’s quite impressive: you were pretty damned appalling to start with, and things could get worse from there?
“I’m at my wit’s end”
I feel very sorry for you: it is a great misfortune indeed, to have only one wit. One step away from being completely witless.
“out in the Styx”
(and that’s the good semi-literate version)
no, we’re not talking death here: go look it up. It’s much more historically interesting, and mundane, and might or might not tie in with the origins of “beyond the P/pale”; certainly ties in with its real-world referent.
See: cruelty free
Got any other gems to share?
Apologies for this quick post, and for the last of posting over the last few days. That thing we’re not supposed to talk about, “work”; in that place we’re supposed to deny, “the real world.” Sometimes blogging has to suffer. Also, an injury that limits typing hasn’t helped. Nor has my currently being OMG BORED NOW with so much of what’s going on in the world of Personal Appearance Improvement, vanity, assorted follies that usually just seem charmingly inoffensive to me. First-world problems: worth kicking up a fuss about when they’re the biggest problems around, though on mocks; when they’re not even on the radar, what with major global-scale problems (inter alia: Syria), then they seem rather attractive and one starts to feel nostalgic for benign idiocy.
I’ve had a bout of the “if you don’t have anything nice and constructive to say, don’t say anything.”
And, on MakeupAlley, having a break of even a couple of days is most refreshing: I feel like saying very little. This is good, because as we all know I blether on and can, to quote a Café person, write ten paragraphs about anything. I do believe this is paragraph #10 of this here post, and so far, have I said anything? Hmmm: is it an even higher achievement to get to paragraph #10 having said nothing?
But, on a constructive note about saying nothing: there are good reasons for saying nothing. If it’s the same old same old questions, and I can’t be arsed either copy-pasting old answers to the same old questions, or sticking in links to previous discussion of same old topics. If someone’s already answered, and they’ve said exactly what I would have done. (There’s been a few smug moments when I’ve been quoted or used as a useful reference, and other happy times when something I’ve said seems to have gone, in that phrasing more or less, into common wisdom/parlance. That, I think, is even cooler than quotation with attribution.) If it’s blindingly obvious, so the person asking is either terminally stupid (and it might be merciful to let them follow nature’s path in the survival of the fittest stakes, hopefully not via the emergency room) or a troll.
I deal with quite enough stupid people and trolls (some are even both!) in real life and work, rather more of them than usual at the moment, and my reactions to more of them online in my spare time? Sometimes I wonder if it’s the same ones. I used to get irritated. I still do, I admit, but now just read on to the next item. Moving on to a conditioned response of “whatever” or “not even worth saying LOL” may be healthy.
There’s also been a lot of “WTF” as per usual, “seriously?”, slapping my own hand when temped to write “get a fucking life,” “compulsory military service or equivalent would be sooooooo good for people”; mind you, in “equivalent service” I include what some of my conscientious objector ancestors did, driving ambulances at the front. I’d add: the Scouts, Woodcraft Folk, basic literacy volunteering, looking after the elderly, guerilla knitting and gardening, working soup kitchens, and of course–well, there was an “of course”, a “last but not least”, and of course I bleeding forgot what this great clincher was. I’d never make it as a comedian… I mean, how do stand-up comedians do it? (Bad joke: standing up, of course.) Actually, that will do for an “of course”: good comedy. Solid satire as public service.
Mind you, the sort of fools who worry about their “routine” and “what line to buy,” the sort who actually pay out good money to silly pricey nonsense with two-word brand names, named after persons… you know, EL, TH, JM, and so on… those sorts of fools who are soon parted from their money? Christ on a bike, some of these people pay taxes and have votes. Admittedly, some are pampered princesses who might not work for a living and pay taxes. And some are too vain to vote. Hey, that’s a good slogan: “too vain to vote?”
There was a great recent ad campaign in Vancouver Canada Line stations: along the lines of “sorry you didn’t vote as it clashed with your spin class.” Mind you this is the capital of yogabunny yummymummy daft eejits. And the place where
(1) the following ad appeared in public transit and
(2) was then disappeared, for a Science World exhibition:
The ad that wasn’t banned, and is still at a bus-stop near my home:
There’s also some amazing ads right now, been there through the summer, for first aid. CPR. I know: ads for first aid? Necessary? The ads themselves are in parts, and at your feet, as you’re walking towards your train. Cunning: this will catch the shoe-gazers, or, here in Vancouver, the e-zombie population permanently glued to their smartphones. The feature a two-dimensional photographic representation of a body lying collapsed on the ground, perspective slightly skewed for extra 3D effect. Next on the ground you’re asked: what would you do? Do you know what to do? Learn CPR!
Can’t find this in Google image searches, though. This is not what we’re talking about, for example:
There’s more of that sort of thing, bizarrely interspersed with John Travolta in a classic Saturday Night Fever shot (okay, why not); and Fortnight Lingerie because of this:
The quest for CPR also leads you to these more old-fashioned and restrained beauteous ads:
Such beauty, stylishness, and nostalgic grace do enable an ending on a beautiful note. That is, beauty-related hilarity and mocking The Afflicted even though one oughtn’t to: some beautiful items from The Onion:
- “Buying Everything Hairstylist Recommends Would Cost $8,000”
- “New Skin Cream To Do Something”
- “Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In ‘Cosmopolitan’ Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory”
- “Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size”
All of which, you’ll have to admit, is random and rambling, but with way more content than most of what’s been on MUA over the last week or so, providing more Food For Thought; and maybe still what smidgeon of light relief we might be permitted—whilst maintaining good grace, propriety, and appropriateness—from the horrors of The World, some of which in the Middle East look less and less distant and abstract by the hour. There may come a time when it will be inappropriate to talk about anything else; and when it will be inappropriate to talk the talk without walking the walk. When one will have to shut up and put up and do stuff.
In the meantime, people: you don’t need much imagination, surely, to see that we’re talking about people. Some of whom, a few months or a year ago, would have been taking public transport to go shopping. Reading Cosmo. Mocking ads. Being vain, and/or getting all conflicted about vanity. Deciding on and buying face cream. Heck, being on MakeupAlley.
People in Syria, the Lebanon, Israel, Egypt, Iraq. Jordan and Turkey. Not that long ago, in Iran. Rather longer ago, in Persia. Mesopotamia and the Indus and Nile deltas. Yes, triviality, frivolity, vanity and other foolishness might well be an integral part of civilization; of peaceful civilization, for at least part of the population. Yes, this might all be a bit reminiscent of the “high culture” that is The Capitol in The Hunger Games.
But still. Have a heart. Be humane. Be human. We all are.
People are people.