the deodowich (2): some amusing crystal magic labels

A pictorial supplement, for a select handful of cheap deodorant sprays of the water + potassium alum variety.

Not the ugliest I’ve ever seen, but not exactly beauteous. The foot version is often the one I’ve seen around the most frequently here in Vancouver (around USD 5.99 or CAD 9.99 for 8 oz / 250 ml):

The is the cheapest one I’ve found, thanks to my MUA chum avironneur and a certain online retailer whom I won’t mention by name here:

Look at that sparkly glow. Alas, no actual spakliness on the label: that would probably have doubled the price. But it makes you think: an opportunity sadly missed, as an OTT redesign could be amazing. Bringing out the LUX in Crystalux: sparkles, glitter, irridescence, holograms, phosphorescence: all things crystalline! The product would advertise and sell itself.

Their spiel isn’t nearly as Healing Power of Crystals as the dodgy label might suggest, though much of the “free from…” stuff is kinda obvious. Doesn’t contain arsenic or old lace either, for the record:

ABOUT THE CRYSTAL….

Deodorant crystals are made from naturally occurring bauxite ore. Alum is a natural compound in nature. It is present in the water we drink, in the foods we eat, and the air we breathe. Alum is the third most abundant element on earth, after oxygen and silicon.

Our deodorant crystals contain large alum molecules that can not be absorbed into the body or blood stream. The weight of an alum molecule does not allow it to penetrate deep into the skin and body. The chemical formula for alum is ALSO4. The alum that is in the crystals is in a salt form and is not in a metallic form. Consumers are trying to get away from using products that have forms of aluminum that could clog pores and be absorbed into the body. The crystals do not clog pores or stop the natural process of perspiration in attempting to eliminate odor. The crystals take a natural approach by stopping the bacteria on the skin from multiplying. The crystals impede the growth of bacteria by raising the pH level of the skin and forming a high alkaline environment that destroys bacteria in its tracks.

Deodorant crystals are natural products of the earth. Ore from the ground is mined and refined into pure alum crystals. Once they are crystallized, they are cleaned, formed (hand cut or molded) and are then packaged for commercial use.

All the crystals are guaranteed to be free of synthetic oils (these types of oils will stain clothing), alcohol (which can burn and irritate the skin), emulsifiers and solvents (which can clog pores), synthetic perfumes (which can cause severe allergic reactions), or chemical additives (such as propellants), which can harm the earth and the ozone layer.

The crystal is very easy to use. The solids are simply wet and applied to the skin. It can be rubbed on any part of the body that produces odor. Like soap, a little bit of the salt surface is removed with each use. The sprays and the roll-ons are also applied directly to the areas that need attention. It’s that simple.

The natural deodorant crystals are the safest and most effective deodorants on the planet. The true test of time has made these products very popular for over 15 years in the health and nutrition industry here in North America. For centuries, they have been used by people in Asia for personal hygiene and water purification.

Let us introduce these wonderful products to your customers. You’ll see, they will never go back to man-made synthetic products once they experience the power of; CRYSTALUX

The next one is a real prize, quite the mingingest packaging I’ve seen in a long time; CAD 5.99 for 120 ml from Whole Foods and nearly worth it just to marvel at the awesomeness that is the label. Talk about suffering to be beautiful.

Nice try at dynamism and synergy, suggestions of blue-skies thinking, clean fresh ozonic air, but clunky fusion of green and blue. Sure it’s watery stuff, but does a label need to make me feel seasick with all the wavy stuff? And some less-than-convincing attempts at representing green/plant metamorphosis:

The fonts alone make me shudder. The 3D shadowing effect, not hot back in the day, definitely not now either. Or cool. Kinda rank, really. (There’s also one of those heinous “casual handwriting script” fonts on the back. I’ll spare you that.):

As avironneur puts it:

Sketchy aiselles d’amour meet 1980s? Check.

Susan G Komen (I have very negative vibes about this org) ripoff ribbon? Check

Yes this rivals for hideous BUT if this works and is locally available…all the better for those moments when one cannot be bothered to order online.

Who knows, might make a lovely Valentine’s gift for the right sort of hipster post-ironic sort of person. A close-up on these happy pits of love:

Or of course you could go for the usual pile of saccharine infantilizing patronizing yuck, c/o Google image search (been a while since we had one of these screenshots):

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